Originally written Thursday, September 21, 2000. First published here!

I did it. I took #1, my newborn son, by myself, to The Mall. His mom needed some rest, and there were things to be purchased. It was up to Dad—but Dad wasn’t sure he was up to it. Looking back, it only took me 5 minutes to double-check the car seat; what really hurt was the 20 minutes it took to assemble a diaper bag. See, I had him all nice & comfy in the car seat, and I was ready to bring him out to the car, when I realized…what if he goes? Visions of all those parents I made fun of in years past, tied down with their duck-print plastic bags filled with who-knows what, leapt through my head.

So, 20 minutes later I’d thrown together a few diapers, wipes, and spare socks and shirt, and figured that would be good enough for an hour-long trip. I opened up the door, and realized that ohmigod there’s DIRECT SUNLIGHT on my baby and quickly put up the little canopy the manufacturer had so thoughtfully included.

I carried the seat the five feet to the car and got him in without causing any seeming damage, but we’ll see if he blames me for skin cancer in 2055…. I got to know the right lane of the highway a little bit better on the drive to The Mall.

I actually got a decent parking space; that’s one of the advantages of shopping during a weekday. Moms keep this stuff to themselves most of the time. The “easy-open” stroller made me wished I’d looked at the directions one more time before real-world testing, but to their credit it did open within 2 minutes, and I only had it upside-down once.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel guilty using the automatic door intended for handicapped customers.

Once inside, I noticed a few things. Foremost was that The Mall has a sort of cobblestone pattern that makes a baby stroller shake slightly—and babies like it! Second was that all fathers seem to look alike. It’s the eyes. As our paths crossed, one man seemed to say “I’ve been there—wait until they are two”, while another was almost screaming “I just want a nap of my own”.

Meanwhile, the women! I’ve never had so much attention from the opposite sex. I used to think it was a joke, but for all you single guys out there, borrow a baby and go out for an hour. You’ll get your chance. Maybe I should think about Rent-A-#1…it would be a nice start for his college fund.

The actual shopping was uneventful. I got what his Mom wanted, let the cashier coo over my boy (I only had to prod her once to notice him—she was a teenager; I don’t think the gene had activated yet), and got ready to leave.

As I was putting him back into the van (careful—the sun almost got in his eyes that time), I realized—I didn’t even need the diaper bag.

This time.